Some people leave the Christian faith because they have been traumatized by the beliefs of the church or by leaders or other trusted people within it. These traumas can affect people for years afterward if left unresolved, even if they seek a new faith path in the Pagan movement. While healing from these traumatic experiences is possible, it takes time and a willingness to get uncomfortable as you revisit the traumatic experience. While this sort of work is best done with the assistance of a trained and experienced therapist, Paganism encompasses a variety of techniques for self-healing which can be used in addition to traditional psychological treatment.
While I personally never experienced trauma at the hands of the church, in my decades of experience, I have worked with several people who were deeply affected by the faith of their childhood. These people often came from conservative evangelical churches (such as Southern Baptists, Nazarines, or Bible churches) who had an emphasis on fundamentalism and the Bible as the literal word of God. Their traumas tended to have to do with toxic shame (“Jesus died for you, you ungrateful wretch, and this is how you repay Him!”), failed perfectionism (“You were doing so well, then you went and sinned! Now you have to start all over!”), homosexuality (“What you’re doing is an abomination!”), and disobedience (“This is the will of God and you must be subservient to it!”). Most of them had been steeped in this trauma from a young age, and could relate at least one specific traumatic event if you asked them. Others were conditioned by their trauma to think in rigid ways, leaving them unable to grasp other ways of thinking. Some were successful in healing from their traumas; others were not.
When addressing church-related trauma, it’s important to recognize that this is difficult work that needs special help in order to be done in a healthy way. Because most pagan clergypeople aren’t professionally trained in mental health or social work, the best way to get this help is to seek out a psychologist or therapist who has experience in addressing complex trauma. The reason for this is simple: as humans, we are a social species and seek out people who have knowledge that we don’t in order to help us overcome obstacles. Finding a mental health professional who can work with you as you address traumatic experiences can give you insights into the process that you can’t find in a book or suggest conclusions that you can’t come to yourself.
However, there are situations in which access to a mental health professional is not available or interaction with the mental health care system is not desired. In those cases, it is possible to self-treat trauma — with several caveats. First, before beginning to unpack and analyze the trauma, you must adequately educate yourself about what you’re doing and why. This involves reading books on complex trauma, brainwashing, and recovery from church trauma. Second, you must be willing to keep a written log of your progress and look back at that log for patterns in order to identify triggers and unresolved secondary traumas. Third, you must let other people know what you’re doing so that they can act as your outside accountability system. Often when people dig into old traumas, they undergo personality changes and behavioral shifts without being aware of them, so having outside eyes looking in on you is beneficial in keeping you safe and healthy. Fourth, you must go slowly. Trauma resolution doesn’t happen in a weekend or a week or a month. It often takes many months to a couple of years to address the trauma and heal from it to the point that it’s no longer bothersome. Finally, if you have clergy who is willing to help you undertake the spiritual aspects of healing, you must be totally honest with them about your goals and your process so that they don’t inadvertently cause harm by moving too quickly or suggesting inappropriate strategies.
Healing the Inner Child
One strategy to address church trauma is to enter a meditative journey back to your childhood, when you first experienced the trauma. As an adult, speak gently to the hurt inner child and allow them to explain to you what is wrong and how it makes them feel. Often the inner child is afraid. As an adult, you have the power to protect this inner child from harm and danger. Explaining this to your inner child and allowing them to understand and accept that they are protected and no longer need to fear can be a simple, powerful way to address traumatic experiences. Do this for each specific instance that your inner child tells you about or shows you. Take action in the meditation to protect them from danger and let them know that they can depend on you.
Integrating the Shadow
Trauma, especially complex trauma, is difficult to address because of the confusing and shameful feelings it stirs up. Another strategy to address this trauma is to enter a meditative journey to address your current self. Visualize yourself in a room lit by a single candle. In the room is a mirror, and when you walk to the mirror, the light from the candle casts your shadow directly onto the mirror. Call to your shadow and let them appear to you in the mirror. Study their appearance; what does it tell you about your shadow self? Address them. Ask them what they found pleasurable about the trauma. This question will help you unlock areas that you feel guilt, shame, or confusion about in your conscious mind. Don’t judge your shadow self; simply ask it questions and accept its answers as truthful. Then journal about those answers, writing every topic down on a different page before you forget them. Then, one at a time, dig deeper into each topic. This will help you get to the heart of who you are and how the trauma affected you. It’s important to integrate this new knowledge into your life, to see the world with new eyes, to not judge yourself for having a human experience. Integrating the shadow can help you gain a sense of peace and closure.
Retrieving Lost Parts of the Soul
A third strategy for addressing trauma is the shamanic process of soul retrieval. This process can be undertaken through intense meditation or with the use of entheogens (under supervision of someone experienced in journeying and who is also not under the influence of any substances). Soul retrieval involves journeying through space and time to find parts of your soul that became lost as a result of trauma and taking them back from the forces that stole them away. This can take the form of battles with frightening entities, crafty escapes from puzzling mazes, or even spontaneous acts of magick that heal and transform. It is a deeply intuitive process and is best undertaken with the help of others who understand the spirit world, the nature of your specific traumas, and the goals of healing and redemption.
Because church trauma is complex, it’s especially important to practice good magickal self-care. Cleanse yourself regularly in a ritual bath. Cleanse your space physically and magickally to keep good energies flowing. Protect your home against entities that might be attracted to your feelings of shame, anger, guilt, and confusion while you process your trauma. Construct a healing altar for yourself and keep your symptom log and journal there, as well as a personal power candle that you can light when you feel fatigued or overtaxed. When resolving trauma, self-care is of the utmost importance.