Many years ago, when I was a plucky young religious studies student at a private liberal arts college in Arkansas, I had the privilege of listening to a guest lecture by a traveling Buddhist monk. The monk’s name, I can no longer remember. What I do remember is the overwhelming serenity of his presence and the deep well of wisdom that he drew from to teach us about his path. It was this monk who first introduced me to the concept of endarkenment.
Endarkenment, the monk explained, is the sinking feeling you get when you wake to the true reality of things. Enlightenment is the flash of realization that wakes you, he added. Endarkenment, on the other hand, is what you see with that flash. And compassion is what you hopefully learn from the experience.
At the time, I didn’t understand what the monk was trying to convey. It wouldn’t be until the end of my first year when my academic progress was very far from satisfactory and I was asked to leave the college that I experienced endarkenment for myself. Looking down at that letter from the college, I became awake to the consequences of my undisciplined choices. The rose-colored glasses had been knocked off my face and I was left to see the world in all its shit-brown glory. I didn’t have much compassion for myself, though. As I packed up my bags to move back home, I felt like an utter failure at life.
These many years later, I have a great deal of compassion for my nineteen-year-old self. First time away from home, living on their own, reveling in new experiences, clueless about how to really study because they’d always breezed through classes without having to. My life as a religious studies major was probably doomed from day one. But even that first huge failure of mine was a worthwhile experience.
I have been endarkened many times since then, some in noticeable ways and others in more subtle ways. I became endarkened to race matters, gender matters, sexuality matters, political matters. I became endarkened to my own shadow self. I became endarkened to homelessness and poverty. I became endarkened to my parents’ fallibility and mortality. And I especially became endarkened to my lack of spiritual direction.
Taking the time and effort to truly be compassionate with myself turned out to be a turning point in my spiritual growth. Rather than drive myself relentlessly on to the next milestone, I slowed down and sat with myself, allowing myself to feel the discomfort of oppressive systems, of rejection, of fear, of worthlessness. I sat with that discomfort until I could completely understand my own reactions to it, and then I gave myself permission to let go of those reactions and instead respond in kind, compassionate, and grateful ways, keeping my ego out of the picture as much as I could.
Let me tell you, compassion is one difficult skill to learn. First and foremost, you have to acknowledge to yourself that you are not the center of the universe and that your reality is just one of billions of realities existing on this planet. And then you have to acknowledge that all of those realities are valid. The people you meet may not have a reality that is compatible with yours, and when those realities collide, those people may react in ways that their personal reality has predisposed them to react. And don’t worry, you will react to them in ways that your personal reality has predisposed you to react as well. You’re human. You will screw up at times. And so will everyone else. So keep an open mind and refrain from having expectations of others; instead understand them by their behavior.
Next, you have to deeply desire to be kind. This is something that emanates from your heart, and it can’t be faked. Compassion is the art of understanding someone’s suffering and wanting to relieve it. If you can’t find kindness for your fellow humans in your heart, then no amount of faking it till you make it will suffice, and your ‘compassion’ for others will fall flat and feel patronizing. You can’t be compassionate to someone you’re looking down your nose at.
Finally, you have to treat yourself with all the kindness and compassion and gratitude that you show to others. People will know if you don’t. It will show on your aura that you’re suffering and struggling. And while the glamour of serenity may last for a short while, people always find out if your behavior is hypocritical. Remember, your reality is just as valid as anyone else’s and you’re allowed to be kind and compassionate and grateful to yourself.
Endarkenment is probably one of the greatest spiritual gifts I’ve received as a Wiccan priestess. When I become aware of the way things truly are, the sinking, almost depressed feeling comes over me. It gives me time to consider the situation, the people in the situation, and my own internal reactions. More often than not, after the petty emotions cycle through, a wellspring of gratitude, compassion, and kindness rises up in me and I’m able to respond from a place of love. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to appreciate reality as a subjective experience as much as a physical fact. And the more I practice, the more I appreciate the old joke about how you advance in Wiccan wisdom: first-degree, second-degree, third-degree, Buddhist!